By Robert Perske
You will have them, all right.You may wonder if you are losing your mind. Probably not. But strange times will come, and getting through them takes energy and grit.
Some experts have described in detail the stages you are expected to face. The only trouble is that parents who are adjusting to children with disabilities do not follow a set course. Each parent reacts differently.
Here are a few oversimplified descriptions of stages you may--or may not--experience. And many parents could add to this list.
The Drags. It is as if your spring had run down. You feel so tired you can hardly drag yourself around. The sun may be shining, but to you the day seems cloudy. You may feel a lump in your throat or knots in your stomach. It is hard to breathe, and every once in a while you may hear yourself sighing. You may even wonder if you have the flu. When these times come, you wish you could find a warm cozy hole, crawl into it, and close a lid after you.
This may be your minds' way of telling you that "out there," there is too much to take. So you slow down, withdraw, move within yourself, interact less with the world around you, and take some time out. This is OK, providing you do not stay out too long.
The Speeds. When this sage approaches, you feel as though somebody has wound your spring too rightly. You move around at a frenzied pace
so much to think about
so much to do
so much ground to cover
so many places to go
so many people to see.
It is as if a combination of the Ten Commandments and St. Vitus Dance energizes your movements. Many new ideas and concepts which need to be acted upon come to your mind. It is your personality's way to "get at it," even if some motions are wasted.
The Blocks. Tough news came from the doctors. But somehow your ears refused to hear what they told you, and your eyes remained blind to the evidence they presented. The knowledge that your child possesses a disability is hard to take. You may even talk to others as if your child has no disability. This is OK for a while. Parents' minds need time to change from believing their child's a super baby to seeing that child as he or she really is. It is all right to make this shift slowly. But it is unhealthy if it is never made.
The Hurts. No professional can describe all the types of anguish and pain parents feel. Nevertheless, all of them hurt; they hurt badly!
Such pain can force you to become edgy and nervous; to walk floors or lie awake all night, tossing and turning; or to break down and cry--fathers included.
Bear in mind that when you do feel such pain it may be your body and mind saying to you that you are strong enough to bear the hurt you must feel. It is my hunch that you will never suffer pain beyond what you can endure. There are many mechanisms within you to dull the senses when things become overwhelming. Some people can become stronger from enduring pain.
If you happen to be hurting while reading these sentences, you may feel anger towards the author of these words. That is OK, too. This book is not intended to bring you comfort. Its purpose is to help you grow and adjust so that you can accept, love, and act creatively on behalf of your child. You cannot do this without experiencing some hurts, enduring them, and working your way through them.
The Guilts. At times you may feel you have committed some horrible sin against God and man. You may even look deeply into your past, searching for that single horrid act that caused it all. But I am willing to wager that no matter how hard you search, you probably will never find such a cause.
Nevertheless, on some days you feel sure that you must be the worst human specimen on the face of the earth. Somewhere, somehow, you committed an unpardonable sin, and now you are paying for it.
Such guilt is phony. It is not the same kind of guilt you feel when you are caught with your hand in the cookie jar—or when you commit other real transgressions of greater magnitude. Therefore, you need not drag out all the black things in your life, examining them one by one. This exercise only gets in the way of adjusting to your child.
The Greats. While a few days earlier you may have felt that you were the world's worst mom or dad, now it may come to you that you are one of the greatest. You secretly may feel that God has chosen you to bear this extra burden because you are more special than other human beings.
Of course, it is more pleasant to fantasize yourself as being great. It is better than feeling you are the world's worst. So enjoy it while you can. But be careful. Sooner or later somebody will say or do something to send you crashing off your pedestal. When that happens, it is to be hoped you will not fall into the guilt trap again. Instead, you achieve a fresh stability from knowing you are not a superparent. But you aren't a superdemon either. You have your weaknesses and strengths, like everyone else.
The Hates. After hurting for a time, you may search irrationally for chances to blame others and hurt them. Almost anybody you can think of may become a target:
your spouse, your neighbor, your doctor, your minister, your children, your parents, or in-laws.
So you watch and wait. Sooner or later, someone--being human--will say or do something to “justify” unleashing your anger at them.
Fortunately, your gracious friends and relatives often remain unruffled when you blow your stack at times like these.
It is all right to feel such anger and hatred, even though it is irrational. Acting on that anger, however, can be precarious. It could make others hurt…then you hurt because you caused them pain...and the vicious circle starts over again.
The Escapes. Sometimes when you awaken at 2:00 A.M., you may wish you could close your eyes and never open them again. These wishes usually will remain secret because you will be ashamed of them. Nevertheless, many parents of children with disabilities openly confess to going through states when they felt such an urge to escape. In spite of such in-the-wee-hours-of-the-morning urges, grit your teeth and hang on. By the time the sun rises, the situation often looks brighter.
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