More parenting "road" rules

Raising a “typical” child brings predictable milestones, phases and challenges. You know generally what stage is coming next and approximately how long it will last. When raising a child with special needs that predictability can go out the window. Kids with special needs accomplish things in their own way and in their own time. We as parents need to accept this and appreciate our children for who they are.

You can find ideas for activities you can do at home to support early intervention here. Below are some tips to help guide you on your child-rearing journey:

• Don’t compare your child with special needs to typically-developing children. If you tend to compare your child with his typical peers, you may focus on what’s missing or how far behind your child is. Focusing constantly on needs can begin to feel more like managing a “project” than simply parenting your child with unconditional love.
• Adjust your standards. All parents have dreams for their child. All parents have to make some adjustments as their child grows and develops. This can be a bigger task for parents of children with special needs. The future may seem less predictable and milestones may seem less clear. Focus on the present and set your standards for your child at an appropriate level.
• Maintain behavioral expectations. It’s tempting to be lax and let a child with special needs get by with behaviors we wouldn’t tolerate in other children. EVERY child needs to know, early on, what behavior is expected. Start early; it’s easier to teach a child what you expect when he is young than to try to correct bad habits as he gets older. EVERY child must learn to adjust to family routines, to follow rules, and to develop an age-appropriate level of self-discipline.
• Everyone in the family has needs. If parents devote too much family energy to the child with special needs, it leaves nothing for the rest of the family or for the marriage. What your child needs most is a stable, loving, happy family. Also, be sure to devote the time it takes to make your other children feel special.
• Provide structure. Children with special needs require developmentally appropriate structure. Family routines make life more manageable for everyone. However, it requires some sensitivity on your part, so tune into what your child needs and when.
• View behavior as communication. Everything children do tells something about what they need. This principle is particularly true with children with special needs. Address the behavior by first looking for the need behind the behavior. Maybe a child pinches others as a way to communicate. Replace this behavior with another, socially acceptable behavior that still meets the need. Chances are the behavior will disappear if the need is met.
• Help your child develop a sense of responsibility. Sometimes people tend to rush in and do things for a child who struggles. Maybe it just seems easier to do it yourself than to wait for your child to complete a task on her own. However, the sense of accomplishment that accompanies being given responsibility gives a child a sense of value and raises self-esteem.
• Offer choices. Having the ability to make a choice makes a child feel important. Be sure your child understands the choices. Use pictures, pointing or whatever works best with your child to express them. Giving choices also enables you to learn about your child’s preferences and abilities.

Perhaps the most important tip is to value your child for the person he is and who he will become with your guidance. (from First Words June 2005)